Relationships: Choosing Yourself First Isn’t Exactly Selfish
How do you rebuild your life after it has been burned to the ground? I watched my life go up in flames, and I am trying to see what is going to come out the ashes. Divorce is such an ugly word. No one goes into a marriage wondering when or if it will end. When I said “I Do,” I meant it. I went into it thinking I would do whatever it takes to make it work. After years of being lied to, cheated on and treated like I meant nothing, I decided to walk away. I pondered it for months, I was always told that I would never survive on my own. It has been the hardest journey that I have ever had to walk.
Two years ago I separated from my husband, I was miserable. He wasn’t working as we had agreed that he would stay home and watch the girls. That was the worst idea ever, it entailed him sitting in the bedroom playing video games while our children played in the living room. They did not eat properly during the day, he would tell me that they snacked all day. I worked 2 full time jobs to support our familly. I would ask him to figure his life out, go to school, or find a job. Something to help our family, I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
I begged him to help me, and his solution was bartending part time where it cost me money for a sitter. He kept telling that it was the women’s job to maintain the house. I realized that he was never going to change. On top of that when I would get home at night, he would go out, meet women and tell them he was single or separated. I chose me, and in choosing me I lost everything.
More Relationship: Are you A Giver or A Taker
I didn’t talk about it with anyone but that led him to run my name through the mud. Saying I was lying and cheating, and what’s worse is that people believed him. I kept a low profile and focused on getting through this with my daughters and making a life for the three of us.
In that time, I reconnected with an old flame of mine. He was going through the same thing, so it was nice to connect with someone who understood. We became best friends, and then the feelings came back. I thought I was rebuilding, and he made believe that he wanted to rebuild with me. I gave him thousands of dollars to help his situation as mine was in a better state. We were two lost and heartbroken souls and I was the fool who allowed my feelings for him to think he cared.
I helped him in ways that no one would help someone. Our children met and all of us became this blended family. My kids looked up to him like a dad. He did homework with my oldest and would play with my youngest. His daughters loved me and we would color, and listen to music together. As he got ready to deploy, he was very careful to keep me at bay with his feelings as they suddenly changed. He was very mean and angry and exhibited the same characteristics as my husband. So I chose to walk away from that situation, it wasn’t healthy.
Now I am rebuilding again with this pandemic. I am out of work and trying to figure out my next move for me and the girls. I put my daughters in a situation where they fell in love with someone other than their dad who they called dad. Love and relationships have never been something I have been good at. I try to see the good in people, and in doing so I don’t see the red flags. I end up destroying my heart in trying to heal theirs. I don’t think I will ever find someone for me as my guard will never come down.
The only thing that matters is those two little girls and their happiness. I wish I had an idea of how to heal their heart. They keep asking why I’m alone, and no one wants us. It breaks my heart, because I love them and they are enough.
Just because a man doesn’t want the three of us, doesn’t mean we will not be alright on our own. Best advice I can give anyone is to never settle for less than you deserve. Most of my relationships have taught me that I wasn’t important to them,they didn’t value me. They would lie and tell people that we weren’t together, and no one should ever have to feel like a dirty secret. They would lie to me and because I chose not to lie, I believe others follow those same morals. Know what you deserve and never settle for less. It is more peaceful to be alone and dream about what you want than to live nightmare after nightmare with people who only see their use for you rather than how you can build and grow together.
